Posts Tagged talk
Not relevant at all but this is my 100th post on this blog!!! Thank you so much to everyone who reads it, whether you’ve been here since day one or today is your first day reading. A special thanks also to Sparkles, Purple and Lady in Red for coming up with the idea in the first place and encouraging me to start this!
When the Boyfriend and I first got together and had just discussed the ground rules and parameters of how open our relationship would be, he mentioned it to a couple and friends and relatives of his, at least two of whom expressed the same concern: that it was all well and good for me to be okay about myself sleeping with other people, but that I might feel differently about things when the Boyfriend went and did the same.
To be honest it was a concern that hadn’t occurred to me, but when he mentioned it to me I realised that it was a valid once since in most if not all of my previous relationships – granted, the last one ended in August 2011 and I’d like to think I’ve grown a great deal since then – I have been a jealous lover. So I told him that when he hooked up with someone else, if I did react badly to it, we’d sit down and talk about it and reassess what our arrangement is – fairly reasonable, no? We both thought so anyway.
He came over this weekend – I was only gone for a week, stressful ferry journey back but very good and inspiring week away – and before he did so told me he had some “weird news” for me; when he got here (with his brother who was visiting him for the weekend) I asked what that news would be and it was his brother who told me that the Boyfriend had indeed hooked up with someone else the previous night when they were out. I was a bit taken aback, because it wasn’t what I had expected to hear (there’s a bit of an odd situation involving his ex and someone else we know going on so I’d expected it to be about that but apparently we’ve moved on from there) .
We didn’t really go into the details there in the kitchen – I’m sure his brother wouldn’t have wanted to know all the gory details anyway – but I brought it up during our pillow talk that night. I asked him what had happened and how it was, which I’m not going to go into here because it’s not my story to tell; and then we spoke about how I felt about it. I can honestly say I was actually quite happy about the whole thing, which even surprised me a little bit. There were two or three main reasons for this, the main one being that I no longer had to worry about my reacting badly to it, like his friends had worried I might, since that had been in the back of my mind; it means that the relationship is more in-balance, since me sleeping with other people when he hasn’t been could have caused resentment and a sense of unfairness; and also, I think it’ll have done his self esteem very good, which makes him happier and in turn makes me happier to. When we were first discussing these things he rather self-deprecatingly said that it didn’t matter too much since he only had “a theoretical chance at casual sex anyway,” which I disagreed with, but now he knows that’s not true.
So everyone’s a winner – he got some sex while I was gone, whoever this other guy is (he doesn’t know his name) got some too, I’m happier about or relationship and the Boyfriend seems to be as well. I don’t think we could ask for a better outcome to your partner hooking up with someone else!
Obviously I’m posting this after it was drafted but I decided not to edit it other than to put links in, because seeing how my mind works while very sleep deprived is quite interesting.
I’m having the bizarre experience of writing this post while drinking a (terrible) latte on a ferry between two time zones, at either ten to one or ten to two in the morning depending on whose time zone I choose to believe I’m in. There’s no internet in the middle of the ocean, as it turns out, so when I’ll actually get to post this is anyone’s guess but I wanted to write it while it was still fairly fresh in my memory.
Because I was going away (hence being on the ferry), the Boyfriend came over for a couple of nights starting on Thursday, since both of us were off university on Friday. He got to mine quite late on Thursday night due to public transport issues/his own disorganisation (if you’re reading this, no offence but you know it as well as I do) and so we went to bed not long after he got in, had a cuddle and a chat and some oral before going to sleep.
We spent the day in each other’s company on Friday and went to the cinema in the evening to see Cloud Atlas (I highly recommend it, by the way), came home where I made him dinner and then went to bed for some fun.
I wrote before about how the Boyfriend is a switch in terms of Dominance/submission, and also that I’d never really explored that before now but had had a go at dominating him a little. This time it was his turn and being more experienced than me, he really went for it. All I can say is wow. I’m not even sure how it happened, we were in bed being silly and the next thing I knew I was on my back in my underwear with a collar round my neck and his cock in my mouth, but I got really into the role. He tied my hands behind my back, hit me with a belt, I wasn’t even “allowed” to talk and the idea of this sort of stuff has always freaked me out but it was amazing. It was mostly oral – me on him, be it on my knees on front of him or on my back with him essentially facefucking me, before he made me wank myself off/him taking over when he felt like it, slapping me every 30 seconds until I came on my stomach – one of the top five orgasms of my life, easily, not that I’m in the habit of ranking these things – followed quickly by him on my face and in my mouth. Eye contact the whole time right until the end and some very intense kissing.
Like I said, I’m not even sure how it really happened, there was something almost hypnotic about being in that submissive role. I found there was something quite satisfying and, ironically, freeing about having my focus 100% on someone else’s pleasure rather than my own, on being there for someone other than myself. Of course the idea scared me beforehand, but I think one reason I’ve never explored this sort of stuff before has been a lack of trust. Most of my sexual encounters so far in life, as you’re all very aware, have been one-offs with people I don’t really know and so it’s hard to (sanely and safely) allow yourself to be vulnerable around them, but with the Boyfriend, it’s different because I do trust him, completely.
After we both came and I was coming back to my senses he held me and cuddled me and spoke to me about it, asked what I’d liked and if there was anything I would have wanted him to do differently, additionally, or not at all, and then he got me some water and fed me chocolate. Apparently the cuddle and chat is fairly common practice in Dom/sub relationships to avoid something called “sub drop”, which is a new concept to me but it makes sense. It’s apparently a sort of post-coital depression experienced by submissives, I’m not sure the exact reasoning behind it happening (and no internet to find out though when I do get access to it I plan to do an awful lot of reading on this because it’s quite interesting, I think) but I think it might have to do with the rational mind after sex having a feeling of being used by a top, which I suppose happens and it makes sense that that would be a bit of a downer. It’s probably like the comedown you get the morning after drugs except without the shakes and altered perception of reality.
But so far, no sub drop. I felt great afterwards, I was really enthusiastic and I really can’t wait to do it again. Our pre-emptive cuddle and chat also involved the exchange of a certain four-letter word we’re all familiar with, which probably also helped to alleviate any potential “drop” in my mood. The only drop I’m experiencing now is the sadness at being halfway to a different country and consequently being further away than usual from him and not being able to phone him without bankrupting myself. However, the upside of this is that I get to see a friend I haven’t seen for over three years, and this trip will also potentially get my foot in the door to working where I’ve wanted to work since I was 14. (I’m turning 23 in a couple of months).
Expect more writing about Dom/sub experiences from me over the next few weeks though, I’m very excited about getting to have more experience with this sort of thing and learn more about this topic which I’m shockingly ignorant about as a sex-positivist. Can’t wait!
If you haven’t done so already, go back and read the previous post before you read this one or it won’t make much sense.
Stwc and I got down the stairs just as K, our photo shoot partner for the day, was arriving. We greeted him; he was quiet and nervous – no wonder, really, he’d never done anything like this before and if I’d just walked into that kind of situation without having had the benefit of spending the night before with Stwc I’d have been shitting bricks as well. K got in the manager’s van and Stwc and I got a lift in from C who is taking over the club along with Lion next month.
All the, erm, equipment from the night before was still in place so it didn’t take long before we started. There was only one thing that I really really didn’t enjoy, which was having my head in a head cage but as soon as it became clear that I didn’t like that they let me out; most of the rest (whipping, spanking etc) I could take or leave. I did really enjoy the nipple play though (clothes pegs on nipples for about fifteen or twenty minutes when other stuff is going on and then take them off and squeeze, rub, bite or use a pin wheel on them… I know it sounds awful but I really liked it!). All in all we did about nine different scenes, which basically amounted to the three of is in various poses and doing bits of things to each other. Because the website only deals with photos and there are no videos it doesn’t matter if we don’t take it overly seriously. The final scene was of course the cum shot, with Stwc blindfolded and tied to a table and made to cum by K and me before we finished ourselves off over his chest and belly. Then we got cleaned up, packed up and left, heading back to the managers house.
When we were there I went to look up train times to get myself home and Stwc asked me how close to the train station I lived. “I don’t live near the train station – that’s why I’m getting a train”. “No,” he laughed, “I meant how close to the train station at the other end?” So I told him and he asked if I’d like some company for the night. Despite the bizarreness of the last day and a half I did – we got on really well – so he picked up his bag and, after we’d both been paid, he left with me and came back to mine. We played around a little bit initially when we got back but given that we’d been at it for five hours that day, as well as the night before both in and out of the club we didn’t keep going very long. So we cuddled. It was sickeningly cute; we talked and laughed and he could even finish off a quote from my favourite sitcom which ended in 1998, without even having to think about it. And we spooned all night, which was lovely. Ever time I rolled over from being the big spoon he rolled over straight away, kissed the back of my neck and kept on cuddling. Usually that’s annoying but it was actually nice. Then this morning I took him to the train station on my way back to uni so I could go back to the small university town he lives in. “You should come and see it, see how small it is. We’d find plenty to do”. “Yeah, when your boyfriend’s not at home. You better be single the next time I see you”. And then, to the shock of the old woman waiting in the foyer, we kissed again before he got on the train, and off he went.
Following my last post about running into Talkative Boy and having an ill-advised conversation with him, KittyMama commented that “we say it a lot, “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.” But when you’re drunk and the player is right infront of you, it’s hard to hate the game.”
I used to quite like the phrase “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” it has a purpose; a bit like religion, it lets you shift the blame for someone’s shittyness (totally a word) away from them and onto this mysterious outside force, over which they have no control.
I choose to hate both the player and the game. Because you have a choice, you always have a choice. You choose whether or not to pick up the gun, take that pill, pour that next drink, to eat that chocolate, or to play the game. Not that I’m saying game-playing is on a par with manslaughter and LSD, but you know what I’m getting at. No-one forces you to obey the three-day rule, or to “not seem to keen,” or any of the other weird rituals we have around copulation. I’m not saying that some of these things don’t have their place, but the majority of what goes on in these situations is unnecessary, frustrating and a waste of time.
I’m no saint, and I have been guilty of doing the odd bit of game-playing at various points in the past, but I really do try to avoid it as much as possible. It’s really very simple; be honest, be direct, be upfront, don’t be mean. You’ve got a much better chance of getting what you want, of being happy with the outcome, and it’ll help you avoid making enemies. If everyone hates the game as much as they claim to then why are so many people still playing it?
It’s half past one in the morning and I can’t sleep. Given that I started my final finals today and have another one on Thursday I could likely be putting my insomnia to better use, but no, here I am, writing on my blog and listening to Roxette.
Some of you will remember Sonic who has popped up once or twice in the past. Being a first year and living in university-owned accommodation, Sonic has no fewer than eighteen (count them) flatmates (of whom at least five are in some way Queer, at the last count). One of these is a lovely Iberian boy who for the purposes of this blog we’ll call Fofo, because wordreference tells me that describes him. Anyway, I’ve had a bit of a thing for him for a while – makes a change from the central Europeans– and on Saturday another flatmate of his and Sonic’s invited me round for some drinks and guitar playing. By which I mean listening to others play the guitar, I can’t play it at all. There was quite a crowd there but over the course of the night our numbers dwindled until there were only four of us still up. At this point it was almost five in the morning and the flatmate who had invited me up suggested that rather than face the walk home I sleep in Sonic’s bed, since she’s in her home country until this Friday and her roommate is sleeping with one of their other flatmates just now so the room was completely free. She then went to bed, followed shortly by the girl from the neighbouring flat. Fofo and I said goodnight, he went to his room and I went to Sonic’s, to sleep for a few hours at least before meeting Tigger for lunch.
I didn’t even have the light off before my phone beeped. Here we go, I thought, Fofo wants it in him. (Crude? Me? Never). It was indeed him. This conversation then happened:
Fofo: Good night
Dexxx : Sweet dreams. If your roommate starts talking in his sleep just come through here, the other bed’s empty.
F: Haha he is again snoring but me is in my PJ’s and cozy
D: Fair enough. Night then!
F: U comfortable though?
[he definitely wants it in him, think I]
D: Well it’s weird being in someone else’s bed (no jokes!) and it’s a little cold…
F: Haha it can be weird. I’m sure you can deal well with the cold
D: Well I’ll just have to!
F: Hum don’t be sad about it! I’ll see you tomorrow then?
[might as well be direct]
D: Unless you want to see me just now
F: You are just relentless now are you not?
D: Just being honest. Ball’s in your court
F: Hum fair enough. I’d like to go there but my prude side is still hard to deal with.
[uh-oh, he’s nervous, say something to calm him down a little]
D: I’m not saying anything like that would happen but I do actually quite like you. It’s up to you but decide soon, my phone’s about to die
F: I think I won’t go there for two reasons: you’ve told me you like me and if I went in there it would only be out of a carnal desire. Second: I’m still coming to terms with myself about casual sex. I am sorry if I have hurt or offended you in any way.
D: Don’t be silly, of course you haven’t. Sleep well.
(I’ve never been referred to as a carnal desire before, I think I like the title.) The next day he apologised again for potentially having offended me so I thought, we clearly have to settle this and went round to see him on my way home from a meeting. He somehow managed to say neither what I thought he would say (“I was drunk, ignore it all”) or what I wanted him to say (“Fancy a shag after all?”) but managed to rather eloquently highlight how I managed to shoot myself in the foot. “It’s not that I wouldn’t want to go to bed with you,” he said. “It’s that you said that you like me and I don’t want to mislead you, I think you deserve better than that.”
Well, that’s what I get for being honest I suppose. I’m not trying to criticise him in the slightest because he was, after all, only doing what he thought was the best thing in the situation and I can sort of see where he was coming from. I think the lesson I’ll have to take from this is to be less forthcoming – or at least, more cautious with it – with people who I would like to get to know as more than a casual random fuck. You live you learn.
On a completely unrelated note, I’m thinking of starting up a new feature called Submissive Sundays; if you feel so inclined submit (see what I did there?) a story or article to do with sex or relationships to tripleXdexxx@gmail.com and we’ll see about getting it posted. It can be random thoughts, something you’ve got strong views on, a funny story to do with your sex life (past or present), or a response to something I’ve written, really anything goes. I already have two submissions and a third one in the pipeline, but if I get a lot of interest I’d like to make it a regular thing.
I went to a talk by one Eric Anderson, a sociologist from the US who currently works and presumably also teaches at the University of Winchester, last week. He recently published The Monogamy Gap, an overpriced but seemingly fairly thorough look at cheating in the digital age.
I’ve written briefly about monogamy once before here, and I’m really interested in non-monogamous relationships (by which I mean I’m interested in the theories and writings behind them, as well as being interested in actually having one), so when I heard that that was going to be the topic of his talk I got quite excited. The talk itself was really good, Anderson is a very engaging speaker and he made a lot of valid points that it had never occurred to me to consider before; just things that would have been good to write about last time round.
The first thing was the difficulty in defining “cheating”. I wrote about that in my last post on monogamy too, or rather I stole a quotation from Shazzie about it, and in true patter bandit style, I’m going to badly paraphrase what Anderson said here; say you’re in a monogamous relationship and you’re in bed or on the couch with a friend, and you get horny so you start to masturbate and so does your friend. You don’t touch each other or interact with each other; it’s the same as it would be if you were both alone, except you’re not. Is that cheating?
So let’s say that you’re on chatroulette or whatever other site and you see a hot person and you masturbate over webcam for each other; does that count as cheating?
What if you were on chatroulette and came across that same hot person, but instead of masturbating while they were, you recorded the feed (I don’t know if that’s the word for it or if you can even do that, whatever, you know what I mean) and watched it back later? Does that count as cheating? What’s the difference between that and porn? Is masturbating to porn cheating? The lines are so blurred these days, we’ve never had so much access to sex as we have in the last ten years, and it’s getting easier all the time.
Another of these was the reason as to why cheating in monogamous relationships is so widespread (that’s a funny way of phrasing it, “cheating in monogamous relationships” – obviously it’s a monogamous relationship you’re cheating in, it’s hard to cheat in an open one. Shut up Dexxx). What am I talking about? Oh yeah, cheating. Humans, reasons Anderson, get bored through repeated exposure to the same stimulus. You don’t watch the same episode of Friends over and over again; you might have the odd episode that you really like and will gladly watch now and again, but overall you want new episodes that you’re less familiar with. Ditto with sex – if you’re with the same partner for a while you’re going to get bored!
But why should a declining lack of sexual desire for a partner with whom you’re otherwise very much in love lead to the end of your relationship? Anderson’s argument was that it needn’t necessarily do so, and I tend to agree with him. You can have your cake and eat it, essentially; as long as you’re not hurting anyone you’re not doing anything wrong!
I’m not really sure whether there was an actual point to this blog; just a few more thoughts to consider. Leave your thoughts in the comments below!