Posts Tagged adultery
Remember Stwc from a few weeks back? On Wednesday night he decided that, just because he could, he’d come to visit me for the weekend. And so he did; he got here on Friday afternoon and left this morning.
On Friday we got back to mine and headed straight to bed, and played around a bit, and in a reversal of last time I came but he didn’t. We then pretty much passed out at about half past nine, since he’d been up since stupid o’clock to get here and I’d been up since even earlier because I had an exam at nine in the morning – which I fucking rocked, by the way, without caffeine too – and when it’s rush hour it takes me well over an hour to get to uni.
Anyway. Yesterday morning we got up and got ready and went to town where he bought me breakfast, and then I showed him around the “city,” as it’s officially known, since he’s never been before. We even found parts of the town that I’ve never seen; then had a walk down by the river at dusk, went for some nice Japanese food for dinner, and came back home for more sexy times – and this time both of us came, he in copious amounts – seriously, I’ve never seen anything like it. This morning we got up and I took him to the train station, where we once again shocked some pensioners, and off he went. He should just about be home by now.
It was a nice weekend, and I did enjoy myself, but I’m not sure I’m in a massive rush to bring him back again. Firstly because, other than having a mutual attraction, we don’t have loads in common really and the conversation dried up and was quite stilted at points. I don’t mind not having a lot in common with the person I’m sleeping with, but when they’re with you constantly for two days it can get tedious.
And secondly because once on Friday night and twice on Saturday, he phoned his boyfriend. I don’t have an issue with the fact that he has a boyfriend or that he’s cheating on him while his boyfriend thinks he’s at a conference, I just don’t want to hear their painful interactions over the phone
So yeah, not a massive rush, like I said. If and when he gets rid of the boyfriend and kicks him out, and if we discover we have more to talk about, then sure, by all means, but I’m not sure I see that happening any time soon.
I thought I’d have more time to blog once my exams had finished but apparently not – though to be honest, there’s not been a huge deal to blog about, sex-wise, and I’ve had friends staying with me the last few weeks and will have this weekend too, which is why Flashback Fridays have been conspicuously absent.
So, my sex life has been a bit weird recently. On my birthday three weeks ago I slept with someone I really probably shouldn’t have slept with, but whatever, it’s been a long time coming and it’s not like it was me who was being unfaithful. A one-night stand really isn’t worth losing a friend over, but it’s more his actions than mine that made that happen. (Actually, that might be a topic for next week: how not to be a dick to your friends once you’ve slept with them).
I also went on An Actual Date With Romantic Potential but nothing really came of it. We got a bit too drunk, we kissed, I haven’t heard back from him so can only assume he’s not interested. Shame, he was really beautiful, and quite funny too, but oh well. Probably best to avoid any potential romance for the next while anyway since I’m moving countries soon (yet again. I’m 22 and so far have lived in five countries… I will put down roots one day, honest).
And last but not least, I’ve had sex once or twice more with the guy from my last post about sex. It’s convenient that he lives so close by, and it’s exactly what I want from that kind of relationship. I arrive, we have sex, I get up and leave. I don’t even know his last name and that suits me down to the ground, for the time being.
Anyway, that’s just a brief summary of events. Like I said, I have another friend staying with me this weekend but normal service should resume next week!!
I arrived at University in the September, and moved into student dorms/halls of residence (depending on where you live) which were at the edge of the city. The halls I was in were quite small, there were only maybe 250 students there, spread out into blocks. I got there on the Friday, and on the Saturday my best friend from school came to spend the night at mine for some fun. We were hanging out before we had dinner at the reception area where some people were still arriving and getting their keys, and a girl I later learned was called M arrived with her suitcase and parents in toe. It turned out (I learned by eavesdropping on her conversation with the receptionist) that she was from central Europe, sparking off what I’ve called my central European fetish and lending itself well to my friends’ calling her The Slov, which somehow sounds insulting even though it’s not really a word.
A few weeks later – it must only have been the beginning of November, if that, that by some string of events I’d found myself in her room one Friday night with a bottle of Bacardi (it was a present from my grandmother, of all people. She gave me it before I left, along with a hardback black notebook, “for your special addresses”. She clearly saw the writing on the wall). I knew she had a boyfriend, back in her home country, and I’d even seen him once when he’d come over to visit her, but clearly my 17-year-old brain didn’t care. We talked ourselves in circles for hours culminating in me eventually asking outright whether I could kiss her. “You can try,” she said. I did.
We ended up on her bed, not naked but topless at first, and I was confronted with boobs for the first time in a sexual context which baffled me. What the fuck do I do with these? I thought. It turns out they’re actually quite good fun when you get the hang of them though. That night we only had oral (which I was later told on no uncertain terms that I was abysmal at, it being the first time I’d gone down on a girl), but we were up for hours having fun in just about every other way we could think of too. I think in the end I was awake for a day and a half and then had to go and sleep until Monday.
That lead into what can only reasonably be described as a tempestuous relationship for the rest of that academic year, the following summer, and a full semester-and-a-half of the academic year which followed it. For most of that time we were actually a couple, which looking back on it is weird because she was insufferable a lot of the time as was I, and we weren’t very compatible personalities either. Still, it was what it was; she was the first person I ever said “I love you” to in a romantic way, and at the time I meant it. The first time we had sex in the traditional understanding of the word must have been in either the January or February following that first encounter, after she’d definitively split up with her ex and we’d become a couple. I think the only thing that was normal and healthy about our relationship long-term might actually have been the sex, come to think of it.
Three years after the first night we spent together I was at a party not far from where I live now, and who should turn out to be there by sheer coincidence but a girl that M went to school with in her home country and her boyfriend, who was – you’ve guessed it – M’s ex from that same time. After we worked that out we had quite a good laugh for the first while until either he worked out which of M’s exes I was or got drunk enough to do what he’d wanted to do in the beginning, and he jumped me from behind and punched me in the face a few times. It was a bit scary at the time but looking back on it now just seems a bit ridiculous; firstly, that he was even there in the first place, and secondly, that three years on he still cared enough about it. Masculine pride, eh?
Just a short one about something that occurred to me today;I head this song on the radio at work. I’m sure you’re all familiar with it.
At one point she sings:
He talks about you in his sleep
There’s nothing I can do to keep
From crying when he calls your name, Jolene
If your other half is in a relationship with you (which obviously they are, that’s why they’re your other half) and they’re unhappy, there’s someone else they’d rather be with and that other person wants them… why on Earth would you want them to stick around? Firstly, you’re making them miserable by being a selfish cunt. Secondly, you’re deluding yourself and setting yourself up for even greater disappointment for much the same reason. When a relationship is clearly over, why oh why not just let it the fuck go? I know it’s easier said than done and believe me, I’ve had friends shouting at me to “cut the cord” on more than one occasion. But really, logically, why?!
I went to a talk by one Eric Anderson, a sociologist from the US who currently works and presumably also teaches at the University of Winchester, last week. He recently published The Monogamy Gap, an overpriced but seemingly fairly thorough look at cheating in the digital age.
I’ve written briefly about monogamy once before here, and I’m really interested in non-monogamous relationships (by which I mean I’m interested in the theories and writings behind them, as well as being interested in actually having one), so when I heard that that was going to be the topic of his talk I got quite excited. The talk itself was really good, Anderson is a very engaging speaker and he made a lot of valid points that it had never occurred to me to consider before; just things that would have been good to write about last time round.
The first thing was the difficulty in defining “cheating”. I wrote about that in my last post on monogamy too, or rather I stole a quotation from Shazzie about it, and in true patter bandit style, I’m going to badly paraphrase what Anderson said here; say you’re in a monogamous relationship and you’re in bed or on the couch with a friend, and you get horny so you start to masturbate and so does your friend. You don’t touch each other or interact with each other; it’s the same as it would be if you were both alone, except you’re not. Is that cheating?
So let’s say that you’re on chatroulette or whatever other site and you see a hot person and you masturbate over webcam for each other; does that count as cheating?
What if you were on chatroulette and came across that same hot person, but instead of masturbating while they were, you recorded the feed (I don’t know if that’s the word for it or if you can even do that, whatever, you know what I mean) and watched it back later? Does that count as cheating? What’s the difference between that and porn? Is masturbating to porn cheating? The lines are so blurred these days, we’ve never had so much access to sex as we have in the last ten years, and it’s getting easier all the time.
Another of these was the reason as to why cheating in monogamous relationships is so widespread (that’s a funny way of phrasing it, “cheating in monogamous relationships” – obviously it’s a monogamous relationship you’re cheating in, it’s hard to cheat in an open one. Shut up Dexxx). What am I talking about? Oh yeah, cheating. Humans, reasons Anderson, get bored through repeated exposure to the same stimulus. You don’t watch the same episode of Friends over and over again; you might have the odd episode that you really like and will gladly watch now and again, but overall you want new episodes that you’re less familiar with. Ditto with sex – if you’re with the same partner for a while you’re going to get bored!
But why should a declining lack of sexual desire for a partner with whom you’re otherwise very much in love lead to the end of your relationship? Anderson’s argument was that it needn’t necessarily do so, and I tend to agree with him. You can have your cake and eat it, essentially; as long as you’re not hurting anyone you’re not doing anything wrong!
I’m not really sure whether there was an actual point to this blog; just a few more thoughts to consider. Leave your thoughts in the comments below!
Like I said in the last post, there’s also going to be a few non-personal posts with my thoughts on sex, sexuality and relationships, mixed in with the rest!
Originally I wanted to write about these things separately but when I tried to I found it’s really hard to talk about one without the other, so here we go, you’re getting a mish-mash. It might still turn into two posts – ooh the suspense – depending on how long it grows. We’ll see.
So, let’s start off with monogamy, shall we? Since I suppose you can’t be an adulterer/adulteress without it. In the society we’re all familiar with, finding a life partner and settling down is still even now seen as the “normal” thing to do, and for a lot of people it’s (one of) the major goal(s) their life. But is that really monogamy? After all, look at how many people you’ve dated, slept with, kissed or whatever, before you find “the one”. Even if you got married to your childhood sweetheart at the age of 16 and then divorced at 30, then married again after five years of celibacy, your second relationship already negates “monogamy” in the truest sense. We’re not pigeons and we don’t pair-bond for life, thank fuck (can you imagine being saddled FOR LIFE with the person you had your first ill-advised awkward fumble with? I can, but I don’t want to… No offence if you’re reading this). At best, we can be described as “serial monogamists” – creatures, for lack of a better word, who theoretically have a series of individual encounters or relationships which are by and large monogamous.
But. It doesn’t always work out like that, does it? Wandering eyes can lead to wandering hands and eventually to wandering genitalia, often repeatedly. Be it a one-off, or a full-blown regular affair, cheating, as it’s known, does happen, and I think it happens more often than we’d all like to acknowledge. But what does and does not constitute cheating? Does it start with the first look, the first kiss, the first sexual act, or as Piero claims in Umberto Carteni’s hilarious and highly-recommended bisexual romantic comedy “Different from Whom?”, after the third time you go to bed with the “other person”? The film also touches a bit on the fluidity of sexuality, which is another blog post in the making.
(Food for thought, in the words of Shazzie: “and what is and isn’t sex anyway? You can have amazing intimate encounters with people that don’t involve sex, and you can have the worst sex ever tat felt as emotional as standing at a bus stop”. I’m not going to get into that debate here but it’s worth thinking about).
I don’t pretend to have the answers to these questions, and I don’t believe everyone does. They’re things that need to be worked out primarily by you yourself, or if you’re already in a relationship, between you and your partner. If you’re single, sitting yourself down and having a good think about what you actually want out of a relationship, and more importantly why that’s what you want (just because it’s what everyone expects? Because it’s all you’ve ever known? Or because you want to try new things?) is really important. As I mentioned above, finding your own boundaries with what behaviour you’d accept from a partner and expect them to accept from you, is also worth taking into consideration. Be honest with yourself, there’s no point in trying to tell yourself anything other than the truth anyway. Whatever you decide, make sure it’s something you’re comfortable with and when you do meet Mr./Ms./Mx. Right (or even Mr./Ms./Mx. Right Now), make sure you’re fairly upfront about your beliefs and desires. It’s probably not a great idea to do this on the first date (“I want every second Wednesday off to go and have sex with a stranger/my friend who is the same/opposite sex from me/you”). When you do bring it up, a bit further into the relationship (but not too far), be gentle about it and try to describe it as something that can be negotiated, even if it’s a dealbreaker for you. Also be prepared to listen to your parter’s concerns, views, and suggestions. You never know, they might have thought of something even more fun that never occurred to you!
If you’re already in a relationship, that can make negotiations a bit trickier – really, they’re renegotiations, since you’ve presumably already laid out your ground rules in the beginning. Generally though I’d say the same rules would apply; be gentle, and be prepared to negotiate. In this case you also have to be prepared to be disappointed, because there’s a chance that your partner might not feel the same way as you do about open relationships. And then you could be faced with a choice between the lifestyle you’re interested in trying out, or your partner; probably not an easy decision to make.
All of that said, you could sit down and ask yourself the very same questions and very rationally come to the conclusion that, actually, monogamy really is what you’re after; a long term intimate relationship which only involves one partner for both romantic and sexual desires. That’s a perfectly valid choice, but the point I’m trying to make (and probably not doing very well at making) is that it has to be a choice, not an assumption that that’s the way things are going to be. You can decide for yourself what kind of sex and romantic life you want to have and as long as you’ve thought through the implications and are firm in your decision, then it’s the right decision. For you, not for everyone – just because you have solid reasons for being a serial monogamist/ethical slut/swinger/celibate, doesn’t mean those reasons hold true for everyone and judging others or trying to convince them your way is right isn’t going to get anyone anywhere. If you want some guidance working all of this shit out, I really recommend the book The Ethical Slut, which is part guide, part workbook to working out what kind of relationship you want to have with the significant other(s) in your life and how to go about making it happen.
So what, then, am I after in a relationship? Am I even after a relationship? Those are two big questions (for me, at least. You probably don’t care but you’ve made it this far so you might as well keep reading). The honest answer is that I’m pretty much up for anything. I have a fair bit of fun – obviously, or I wouldn’t have this blog – but if I’m being honest, I miss cuddles and presents and, well, closeness. I like waking up next to someone without a hangover, and knowing more than their name and sexual preference. Does this mean I want a long-term monogamous relationship with someone? Maybe. Maybe not. I’m open to negotiations on most things and I’ll try almost anything once except watersports. As someone who very openly identifies as bisexual and more privately as polysexual, I don’t feel the need to necessarily have (the opportunity for) sexual contact with both sexes or lots of partners with different gender identities, at the same time, as some people seem to believe to be true of non-monosexuals. At the end of the day what I’m looking for is someone who I can be physically and emotionally close to. If I happen to find two or more of those people (then again, how hard is it to find even one decent partner!), I’ll need to re-examine this. All I can say just now is watch this space.