Doubts

I’m posting this because this blog is supposed to be a fairly full and accurate account of my sex and love life and while there are some things that I omit, largely unpleasant stuff, by desire or necessity, without this type of thing I’d be leaving out a large chunk of the first substantial relationship since I started writing in December 2011 and a break-up post would look a little out of the blue.

Like any couple, the Boyfriend and I have our share of ups and downs. The ups are wonderful, but the downs are never very pleasant. We seem to have been at each others throats a lot recently – not in the “hand around the throat during intercourse” sense – and, yes, the possibility of a break-up has been mooted more than once. Topics of conflicts range from the quotidian (“What do you mean you forgot the bread?!”) to miscommunication to open relationship related problems (him not wanting me hooking up with someone I had a romantic interest in when I first moved here or me being upset when he turns up with love bites from someone else when we don’t give them to one another, by agreement).

The good times are great though; and he is incredibly caring and affectionate; this weekend when I was so hungover I couldn’t sit up he came from his city to look after me and even endured Eurovision with me) and even stayed an extra two days to talk me down from the metaphorical ledge when I was going insane stressing out about my interpreting exams.

My main concern, which I’ve raised with him, is this.

  • I’m not sure I’m convinced that the good times are worth the confusion, upset, and sleeplessness of the bad times. Furthermore the fact that it’s only been not quite four months and already we argue like this, doesn’t really fill me with confidence.
  • I’m not sure where I’m going to be – physically – in three or four months’ time. I could be literally anywhere on the continent (today I’ve already been contacted about job openings in the Czech Republic and Éire) and long distance is just icky.

Because of that, a break-up seems inevitable, and I wonder whether it’s better to jump before we’re pushed? At the same time, I don’t want to stop seeing him, being with him, cuddling him, having him in my life, because I’m in love with him. It’s all very complicated. On the whole, I think we make each other happy, and throwing in the towel this early due to vague uncertainties seems a bit defeatist.

In other news I’m also conflicted because I’ve been offered to participate in an MTV documentary featuring young people talking about sex, their sex lives and thoughts and attitudes towards sex. I’d love to be part of it because I think it could be a really good way to get a fairly sex-positive message out to more people than this blog will ever realistically reach (daily page hits have been in decline since the start of this year, probably because I’m not posting as often as I once was) but that assumes they’ll portray me in a positive light rather than editing what I say to make me look like a sex-crazed nymphomaniacal lunatic, which is possible. There’s also a very loud part of my brain – let’s call that bit Rational Dex – who tells me that having that kind of thing out there, viewed by potentially millions and easy to find on-line, would not do my career the world of good. I know that the same could be said of this blog but a casual reader here wouldn’t be able to recognise me in the street or office precisely because there are no photos of me here, and to the best of my knowledge you can’t find this by googling the name that’s on my CV. Decisions decisions.

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  1. #1 by kittymama on May 24, 2013 - 12:28 pm

    I think you need to find out what kind of show the MTV thing is. I mean if it’s Jersey Shore typed viewing or a serious programme on life and sex. If it’s the latter then i reckon you should do it. I would love to see you on the telly.

  2. #2 by LadyinRed on May 31, 2013 - 3:40 pm

    Me too 🙂

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