Archive for December, 2012

Redressing the rules

So here’s the thing, I’m quite into self-help and personal development. I find it fascinating to learn about the different techniques and seeing what I think makes sense and what I want to try and seeing the effects it has in my own life. There was a long period when I swore down that listening to this twice a day for a month would change your life and I still listen to it occasionally when I feel the need for an extra boost of confidence or assurances that I’m on the right path. Summa sumarum, I’m a bit of a crazy hippie, but shh, don’t tell anyone.

Anyway, the last few months but particularly the last few weeks have been full of a lot of emotional ups and downs for me and so I’m knuckling down and doing a lot more work on myself just now. Part of this involves writing, for myself, a lot of what’s going on inside my head and seeing what I notice. It certainly seems to be true that potential romantic situations are something of a trigger for my bad times, and this is obviously something that needs addressed. What does that mean? Well, it means more clarity, I think. Being clear that encounters I have with certain people, at this time in my life, are only about sex. I’m sure you’ve all read the rules of casual sex and I’m fairly familiar with them too but I think now is the time to become more closely acquainted with them and add a few rules of my own into the mix, just for me, because if I want to keep having casual sex – and believe me, I do, it’s my only exercise and hobby – I need to be taking emotional precautions just like I need to use protection. So, then, for a while at least:

  1. No surnames (to avoid potential misguided facebook stalking)
  2. No swapping phone numbers after going home with someone from a club
  3. No dates, be it coffee to apologise for punching you in the face or drinks to tempt you into bed
  4. As little personal info as possible

So yeah, there we are, that’s where I’m at just now. Let’s see how this goes and if it makes a blind bit of difference, though I suspect it actually will.

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Just No.

Over the course of a few texts it became increasingly clear what Music Man had really gotten in touch for. “I want to fuck you, Dexxx. I just want to have amazing hot sex like we did last time”.

As you all know by now, I’m fine with Just Sex, but not like this and not with him. He hurt and frustrated me last time round and I definitely am not up for that again, and for him to think that he can apologise insincerely once and jump right back into bed with me is, frankly, insulting. So I told him that; I called him up, and of course he didn’t answer because he’s a coward like that, so I left him a voicemail:

“You didn’t get in touch to apologise because you genuinely felt bad about what happened, you’re bored and horny and want to get your dick wet and thought, ‘hey, I know who’s good for sex, Dexxx, that guy I screwed over that time’ and that if you give me a half-assed apology you can get into bed with me again. But it doesn’t work like that, I’m not stupid and that’s insulting. I’m worth more than that. Don’t try to contact me again”.

Since then I’ve had a stream of texts from him ranging from the emotional heartstring tug (“I thought we had something good, I don’t know what I can do except give you time”) to the illogical (“I want to have you as a friend and I want to have sex with you but I don’t want a relationship because we clash too much as people” – and how does that seemingly insurmountable personality clash allow for friendship exactly?), all of which have been dutifully ignored under the principle of Just No. Let me tell you about Just No, it’s really very simple and a useful tool to have in your life.

It was thought up by my friend Lady in Red, recently single and having a go at mingling. Having encountered liar upon liar and people who just couldn’t take a hint, she eventually resorted to responding to their requests for dates and subsequent questions about why she was turning them down with “Just no.” It’s really very simple; if you have made a decision about someone’s place in your life, or rather lack thereof, and want to give them the message strongly and succinctly, “Just no” is your ideal phrase. You owe this person nothing, after all, you don’t want them in your life and aren’t really worried about offending them. If you felt they merited an explanation you would give them one but they don’t, so no. Just no. It can be applied to many areas of life (colleagues asking you to do their work for them, housemates asking you to clean the kitchen even though you cleaned it on Friday and now it’s Monday and you were gone for the weekend so the mess really can’t be yours, etc) but I find it particularly useful when dealing with romantic or sexual partners who won’t take a telling.

Enjoy using Just No and feel free to spread its use around, the more people are empowered by it the better!

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