Over the course of a few texts it became increasingly clear what Music Man had really gotten in touch for. “I want to fuck you, Dexxx. I just want to have amazing hot sex like we did last time”.
As you all know by now, I’m fine with Just Sex, but not like this and not with him. He hurt and frustrated me last time round and I definitely am not up for that again, and for him to think that he can apologise insincerely once and jump right back into bed with me is, frankly, insulting. So I told him that; I called him up, and of course he didn’t answer because he’s a coward like that, so I left him a voicemail:
“You didn’t get in touch to apologise because you genuinely felt bad about what happened, you’re bored and horny and want to get your dick wet and thought, ‘hey, I know who’s good for sex, Dexxx, that guy I screwed over that time’ and that if you give me a half-assed apology you can get into bed with me again. But it doesn’t work like that, I’m not stupid and that’s insulting. I’m worth more than that. Don’t try to contact me again”.
Since then I’ve had a stream of texts from him ranging from the emotional heartstring tug (“I thought we had something good, I don’t know what I can do except give you time”) to the illogical (“I want to have you as a friend and I want to have sex with you but I don’t want a relationship because we clash too much as people” – and how does that seemingly insurmountable personality clash allow for friendship exactly?), all of which have been dutifully ignored under the principle of Just No. Let me tell you about Just No, it’s really very simple and a useful tool to have in your life.
It was thought up by my friend Lady in Red, recently single and having a go at mingling. Having encountered liar upon liar and people who just couldn’t take a hint, she eventually resorted to responding to their requests for dates and subsequent questions about why she was turning them down with “Just no.” It’s really very simple; if you have made a decision about someone’s place in your life, or rather lack thereof, and want to give them the message strongly and succinctly, “Just no” is your ideal phrase. You owe this person nothing, after all, you don’t want them in your life and aren’t really worried about offending them. If you felt they merited an explanation you would give them one but they don’t, so no. Just no. It can be applied to many areas of life (colleagues asking you to do their work for them, housemates asking you to clean the kitchen even though you cleaned it on Friday and now it’s Monday and you were gone for the weekend so the mess really can’t be yours, etc) but I find it particularly useful when dealing with romantic or sexual partners who won’t take a telling.
Enjoy using Just No and feel free to spread its use around, the more people are empowered by it the better!