Archive for March, 2012
Last week I woke up to an email from the lovely Teri over at The Narcissist’s Blog informing me that she’d decided to give me the T.M.I Blog Award – majorly excited!!! Thanks Teri!!
The TMI Blog Award honors those blogs that discuss everything in detail and do it well. These bloggers aren’t afraid to discuss their most awkward, embarrassing and intimate experiences with honesty, humor and little to no filter.
Here are the rules
- Thank the person who presented you with the award.
- Link back to the blogger who presented the award to you.
- Share an awkward, embarrassing and intimate story in 250 words or less.
- Copy and paste the blog award on your blog.
- Present the TMI Blog Award to 5 – 10 deserving blogs.
- Let them know they have been chosen by leaving a comment at their blog.
The award is aptly named as, like you know, I am the master of the overshare. In one of my classes this year I was known as TMID (Too Much Info Dexxx) and that was before I had a sex blog and people knew about it.
One of the reasons I’ve not posted this before now is because I couldn’t come up with a story that was suitably awkward, embarrassing and intimate to be shared. I’ve since consulted The List (of people I’ve slept with, not the events magazine) and had a fun trip down memory lane. So here we go then, with the only really awkward story I remember from before this blog.
At the end of my second year of university I had just turned 19 a lot of us were about to leave for the summer and then go on ERASMUS to various places across the continent, so we decided (or rather, K1 and K2 who were living together decided) to have a party. At said party there was a boy – he was 23, and doing a Ph. D in Chemistry. As the party was mostly frequented by Polish people the vodka was flowing and so Chemistry Boy and I ended up making out in the kitchen until I had a brainwave – some of the flatmates had gone to a club, it was barely 1 a.m. “M’s room is empty”. Off we went. About fifteen minutes later the bedroom door opened and there stood K1, not at all shocked or even remotely surprised, and we thought we were about to be admonished but all she wanted to know was where her cigarettes were, then she left us to it. Not long after that, though, the door opened again to reveal M, who was shocked and surprised but very apologetic. We decided to stop then and as I was dressing, Chemistry Boy said “come back to mine. I’m going on holiday tomorrow so you’d have to leave quite early…” I didn’t even let him finish his sentence before exclaiming, without thinking, “pfft, I’m not that interested.” That awkward moment when you realise what you’ve just said…
Anyway. That’s all water under the bridge now, so it’s time to present this award to some others. The award goes to…
I’m only giving it to 4 blogs because I’m actually really bad at keeping up to date with blogs generally, but these are the ones which stand out for me.
Back to the topic of sexiness. I’m very aware that I’m not a Ten to look at; being generous, I’m an Eight, but I like to think I deal well with it. What does that mean? It means a lot of things: it means being aware of it, first of all. It means not undercutting myself – I won’t go for anything less than a Seven – and not punching too far above my weight. I won’t make the first move on a Ten, though I’m happy to with a Nine. But when the Ten over there realises that the other Ten they’ve been talking to is an airhead with no chat, and sees me looking, and comes over to say hi – I can talk and smile and laugh in the right places, and it works; I may not be a Ten to look at, but taken as a whole package I sure as hell am a Ten. I’m a great catch, and I’m aware of this. Does this make me narcissistic? Maybe, but I’m fine with that.
In other news I saw Talkative Boy yesterday, briefly. (I was doing product sampling in a shop in his town and he came to say hey). He said he’ll text. He won’t.
Given my recent foray back into the world of online “dating” I turned to KittyMama, who is as close to an expert on the practicalities of the topic that I know. Because of the number of time-wasters and undesirables messaging her, she came up with a profile text which basically laid out her ground rules, and she’s let me copy them to my own profile too. If you’re looking into online dating it’s invaluable to have something like this, it really saves a lot of time and effort and though it may seem harsh at first, it’s a lot nicer than giving people false hope and then rejecting them individually. Here, edited, they are;
OK, I’m not new to the online dating world so here is what I’m NOT looking for.
1. NO DICK PICS – I want to see your face and if you’re not showing it I am going to assume it’s because you’re not attractive.
2. IF I DON’T REPLY IT’S BECAUSE I’M NOT INTERESTED. I get a lot of messages and don’t have time to reply “no” to those who don’t meet my requirements, so don’t constantly bombard me with messages. It’s not attractive.
3. I WANT A HOT BODY ON MY MAN. If you are overweight I won’t be interested.
4. DON’T SEND ME A GASH PORNO SCRIPT MESSAGE. A simple “hello my name is…..” will do.
5. IF YOU ARE UNHAPPILY MARRIED DON’T MESSAGE ME. Get a divorce.
6. IF YOU CAN’T SPELL, DON’T WRITE. I really cannot understand the messages with no vowels and lots of numbers. I like my men educated.
Feel free to adapt this to your own needs; I’m putting it on my profile tonight (I feel weird about going onto a hookup site in the uni computer room, which is weird because apparently writing on a sex blog is ok. My head needs to sort itself out) so hopefully it’ll streamline things a little!
A few weeks ago I deleted my profile on a well-known same-sex hookup site but a couple of days ago I created a new one, just out of interest and to see whether I still hated it as much as I did when I left. I think I do but I want to give it a week to see.
I think that sites like this do have their place and can be fun and useful but at the same time, as I said before, oftentimes you’ll end up messaging someone back and forth for ages and when you suggest hooking up they either dismiss it or stop messaging you. I could understand people doing that if you started randomly messaging them about sex on, for example, Facebook, but this is a fucking “dating” site!
So we’ll see how long I keep this profile for. Probably not very long but I do get a bit of an ego boost (Like I need one!) when I get rated 10/10 😉
In other news I’ve decided I’m taking a leaf out of Sparkle’s book, almost literally; she recently released an eBook which came with a soundtrack which I thought was a brilliant idea; so I’ve gone back and added some songs that I think fit the post well to some of the more recent posts, and will hopefully be doing it more in future ones as well. I have terrible taste in music so should probably apologise for that up-front.
You probably remember my post a couple of weeks ago about the boy with big brown eyes – the one I actually had a conversation with, and my follow-up to that saying that he’d gotten in touch.
It was going well. He can even spell in text messages (I’m a firm believer that if you can’t spell, you shouldn’t write) which may sound ridiculous but it makes a difference. I hate getting messages written “lyk dis frm ppl who shd no better lol”. That’s not the point, the point is he texted. We were supposed to see each other at the start of this week (a date! What?!) but then he apparently lost his nerve; apparently I’d be the first person he’d met since a break-up “a while ago, and while it would be nice to move on, I’m not there yet”.
There’s a large part of me that just wants to scream GET A GRIP when I hear stuff like that, and an equally large part that wants to reply that the best way to get over someone is, of course, to get under someone else, but something tells me that would be inappropriate and go down like a lead balloon.
Of course we’ve all had break-ups, and I do sympathise because it isn’t always easy to move on, especially if it wasn’t you who instigated the break-up in the first place (and I know that in this case he didn’t, it’s one of the things we spoke about in All Night Conversation). But at the same time it’s frustrating as fuck to be seeing a break-up from this angle. It’s a weird perspective actually, not inside the break-up but not entirely unaffected by it either. I’d like to add “through no fault of your own” to the end of that sentence but to an extent it is my own fault that I’m affected by it since I broke not one but two of The Rules of Casual Sex (the third and fourth ones if I’ve counted properly) and look where it got me; frustrated, unfulfilled, in a position where I’m still dwelling on what should have been a one-off event a fortnight later. What’s the point in this post? Is it just a platform for me to whinge on? Probably, at least a little bit.
I know what you’re thinking. CUT THE CORD DEXXX. DON’T TEXT HIM BACK/AGAIN. I know that’s what I should do. I know that at probably I will end up having to do that. But, much as I hate the games, the chasing and the drama that go on, I do like the end result (usually), and I’m deluding myself for a while just now that one, there will be the end result I’m imagining, and that two, it’ll be worth it. I’m probably going to be proven wrong.
I went to a talk by one Eric Anderson, a sociologist from the US who currently works and presumably also teaches at the University of Winchester, last week. He recently published The Monogamy Gap, an overpriced but seemingly fairly thorough look at cheating in the digital age.
I’ve written briefly about monogamy once before here, and I’m really interested in non-monogamous relationships (by which I mean I’m interested in the theories and writings behind them, as well as being interested in actually having one), so when I heard that that was going to be the topic of his talk I got quite excited. The talk itself was really good, Anderson is a very engaging speaker and he made a lot of valid points that it had never occurred to me to consider before; just things that would have been good to write about last time round.
The first thing was the difficulty in defining “cheating”. I wrote about that in my last post on monogamy too, or rather I stole a quotation from Shazzie about it, and in true patter bandit style, I’m going to badly paraphrase what Anderson said here; say you’re in a monogamous relationship and you’re in bed or on the couch with a friend, and you get horny so you start to masturbate and so does your friend. You don’t touch each other or interact with each other; it’s the same as it would be if you were both alone, except you’re not. Is that cheating?
So let’s say that you’re on chatroulette or whatever other site and you see a hot person and you masturbate over webcam for each other; does that count as cheating?
What if you were on chatroulette and came across that same hot person, but instead of masturbating while they were, you recorded the feed (I don’t know if that’s the word for it or if you can even do that, whatever, you know what I mean) and watched it back later? Does that count as cheating? What’s the difference between that and porn? Is masturbating to porn cheating? The lines are so blurred these days, we’ve never had so much access to sex as we have in the last ten years, and it’s getting easier all the time.
Another of these was the reason as to why cheating in monogamous relationships is so widespread (that’s a funny way of phrasing it, “cheating in monogamous relationships” – obviously it’s a monogamous relationship you’re cheating in, it’s hard to cheat in an open one. Shut up Dexxx). What am I talking about? Oh yeah, cheating. Humans, reasons Anderson, get bored through repeated exposure to the same stimulus. You don’t watch the same episode of Friends over and over again; you might have the odd episode that you really like and will gladly watch now and again, but overall you want new episodes that you’re less familiar with. Ditto with sex – if you’re with the same partner for a while you’re going to get bored!
But why should a declining lack of sexual desire for a partner with whom you’re otherwise very much in love lead to the end of your relationship? Anderson’s argument was that it needn’t necessarily do so, and I tend to agree with him. You can have your cake and eat it, essentially; as long as you’re not hurting anyone you’re not doing anything wrong!
I’m not really sure whether there was an actual point to this blog; just a few more thoughts to consider. Leave your thoughts in the comments below!
Things all happen at once, I find. I mean, having a shit few days or weeks where nothing goes right and then you turn a corner and suddenly everything starts going well again.
The boy from Wednesday texted today – I’d cleverly managed to give him the wrong number, presumably my old one, but a mutual friend sorted that out somehow or other – which was an unexpected surprise, and I got a job as well. Here’s hoping it keeps on going like that!