Bonus points to anyone who can tell me what song the title is from. (The song is at the bottom of the page)
So yeah, I’ve moved on a lot from where I was the last time I wrote, on Tuesday. On Wednesday I went out for a coffee and walk in the park with Sparkles (who you have to thank/blame for this page’s existence) whose view on the situation with that person was slightly more articulate than some other’s. She didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know, but it was good to hear it coming from someone else I trust and whose opinion I think highly of (and, in her words, someone who has “been there and made a million T-shirts”). She pointed out a few things; that I know what’s going on is unhealthy and that all I have to do to end it was walk away; but that at the same time it’s easier said than done, because though it’s painful, until it hurts too much you’ll keep going anyway; that, in a bizarre way, I’m getting off on this; and that he’s getting off on the situation just as much as me.
I’ve had all of that playing in the background as a sort of mantra for the last few days, especially on Wednesday when, apparently glutton for punishment, the two of us went out dancing. It wasn’t a great night out but at the same time it served as a sort of tipping point. Despite knowing I don’t drink he insisted on me drinking some of his drink (“Go on, just have a little bit. Go on – for me“) followed by a vaguely patronising stroke to the face accompanied by “Good boy”. Both things pissed me off, the latter more than the former since I’ve told him before, not long after we first met, not to do that. It sends mixed messages, and however innocuous it might seem from the outside, he’s not on the outside, and (theoretically) knows how confusing it’s going to be for me.
But whatever, I’m over those moments now since I don’t think there was any sort of malintent, just inconsideration, and you know what? I think I’m actually more or less over him now too. We had a wee conversation by text on Thursday which I thought was quite constructive and aired a few things that needed airing, and now I’m feeling quite positive about it all now. I was sceptical before about the possibility of staying friends but I think we’re pretty much there, or rather I’m pretty much there since he was ostensibly there already. So yeah, this is a good thing. I’ve learned a lot, come out of it the other end intact, and gained a friend too. I can’t see how any of that’s a bad thing.