Archive for January, 2012
Something I’ve really struggled with over the years is, genuinely, the concept of monosexuality. From people – usually straight cis girls and, almost just as commonly, gay men – who say “I can see when a(nother) girl’s pretty, but I’m not attracted to her” to people – usually straight cis guys – who won’t even go that far, I’ve never been able to wrap my head around the concept of being attracted to only one sex or gender. Honestly.
But today, in the shower (don’t you find you have all your best ideas in the shower?) I was thinking about photography. I know two people who are photographers, well more than two but I was thinking of these two specifically, and mentally comparing their work. One of them I really like the work of and think he takes fantastic pictures. He even took what I think is the best picture of me that I’ve ever seen, and I’m not just saying that because he subscribes to this blog. The other guy does a different type of photography and while I can objectively appreciate that it’s good photography, for me personally it doesn’t do much at all.
Is this what it’s like for monosexuals? Have I finally cracked it? Answers on a postcard.
I originally wanted to call this post “Dry Run” but according to Urban Dictionary that doesn’t mean what I thought it means, and I certainly don’t advocate anal sex without lube. So “Dry Spell” it is.
Urban Dictionary defines a dry spell as “to go for a period of time (usually longer than shorter) without something; sex, drugs, etc.” But it doesn’t say whether this is self-imposed, like celibacy (something which I’ll probably write about at a later date) or whether it’s just down to circumstance. Then again, I don’t think we can realistically put UD on the same level as Oxford or Webster or Paravia or Langenscheidt so we can forgive this somewhat inaccurate definition for now. (That said, it does define my name as “an excessevily boyant boy who shaves his legs and wears gold hot pants” with the secondary meaning of “a person who has a brilliant personality and full of confidence. Absolutely gorgeous and more than likely someone who is definitely perfect and amazing” so maybe we shouldn’t judge it too harshly).
Anyway, as some of you might have noticed, I’m going through a bit of a dry spell just now. It’s been over two weeks since I last had sex, which isn’t too bad in the grand scheme of things, but it’s certainly not fun, nor does it make for good blogging, which is why we’re all here after all. (One friend did advise me to “just shag anyone – as long as you can make a funny story out of it!”. But I do have standards, honest.) What causes a dry spell? It can be a lot of things – exams in the way of your nights out, lack of attractive people you see when you do go out, the person you actually want being at work when you assumed they’d be around, etc. (You know who you are). Sometimes you just don’t feel it.
So what am I going to do about this, then? I have a few ideas, as it happens. I want to break out of the bubble I’ve fallen into since the end of the summer and coming back to my country, of the same club, frequented by the same people, every week, sometimes twice a week. There’s a few other places I seldom go to where they get quite a different crowd, and other places I’ve never been to but which I assume must get a different one again. A close friend and I have been meaning to check them out properly for a while now, so why not give it a go?
I’m sure a lot of you out there have gone through similar stuff – so leave me a comment or two! How did you break the cycle? Was it something you made an effort to do? Is it something you’ve never had happen to you at all? Let us read your thoughts and I’ll do a follow-up post with a few of the best or most relevant comments, once this particular dry spell is over.
One last thing – I’ve been playing with the settings and now have a “subscribe” button you might have noticed, over in the right-hand column. If you’re a regular reader then feel free to get these updates sent straight to your inbox!
You all must have worked out that Wednesday is the gay night out in this town, since Thursday seems to be the day that I get most hits! That said, sorry for lack of posting on Thursday as apparently a lot of you were expecting. I did go out on Wednesday but was a good boy because I had an exam on Thursday at 9 and didn’t want to sleep my way though it or go do it while on the walk of shame. (I’ve done that before, for the same class, and it was fine, but I try not to make a habit of it).
As a reward to myself for being good and pre-emptive celebration of the A I’m sure I’ll get for that exam, and to commiserate my not getting any action this week, tonight Biondina and I went out with a bunch of her friends – she has someone visiting from her home town and, as per, we ended up in the same club where most of my stories either start or end. There were I think 7 of us in the group and to the best of my knowledge everyone pulled at some point in the night, go us.
Towards the end of the night – and I mean really the last fifteen minutes – we moved to a different part of the dance floor and immediately I made eye contact with a boy with big brown eyes (I’m a sucker for big brown eyes) who didn’t seem very shy at all, so we started dancing and kissing within a few seconds. To cut a long story short, it’s about an hour later now and I’m back at mine writing this instead of shagging him. Why? Well I’d like to address this to him as well as the internet in general so, boy from the club tonight, if you’re reading this, a couple of notes:
1) When someone you’re making out with up against a pillar on the dance floor asks you where you live, they’re not trying to place your accent
2) When the lights go up at the end of the night and this same person asks you “so, what’s the plan now?”, try to say something a little bit more concrete than “let’s go upstairs” – it gives the illusion that you actually know what you’re doing
3) The offer of a takeaway is not the best way to entice someone home with you.
I realise all of this might make me sound really arrogant and presumptuous that he was just that into me when, in fact, he might not have been. I’m aware of that, but hear me out; if you find yourself in one of these situations, why not just say “no thanks, I’m not interested”?! It’s not like I didn’t give him the option of just walking away, I made sure I did, more than once. The games and chasing that go on in these types of encounters frustrate me no end, and really I think we’d all get along much better if people could just tell each other what they want and expect others to do the same; and respect these desires as best we can. It’s really very simple.
As this blog continues to grow (at a surprisingly fast pace – someone said to me yesterday “if you get rich off this, I have to leave the country” – not quite sure what her logic was but there you go), comments keep coming and one day this week I got a reader request rom “anonymous!” saying “What advice would you give to someone who has never had a one night stand but really wants to?” And as promised, here’s your answer.
One night stands, done properly, can be great (hell, even done improperly they can still be really fun!). To paraphrase from my well-thumbed copy of The Ethical Slut, using time to judge the success of a relationship is misguided; just because a couple were together for five years doesn’t mean their relationship was good or healthy; likewise, just because you only spend one night with someone doesn’t mean that it’s not a worthwhile encounter that you both/all gain from and which isn’t psychologically damaging.
Firstly ask yourself why it is you really want to have a one-night stand in particular. I don’t think I’ve ever gone looking for a one-night stand specifically, since I’m generally quite open with the possibility of anything leading to something more substantial, or at least hooking up with the person again (though I don’t subscribe to the idea of “sex as audition” – you have sex with someone and the next morning decide whether they have life-partner potential; if not you part ways and feel awkward when you see them again, which is still surprisingly prevalent). So what are your motives? Is it for the thrill of a new experience? Just a general need to scratch a sexual itch? Want to try something new? Or do you think the best way to get over someone after a break up is to get under someone else? These are all perfectly valid reasons, and as long as you’re honest with yourself about it I don’t think you’re going to go too far wrong.
So now that you’ve decided, how are you going to go about achieving your goal? There are two obvious options open to someone wanting a one night stand, and each has their good and bad sides. Let’s start with the traditional one – going to a club. Obviously this has great advantages – there are crowds of people in the same place, presumably mostly available and presumably mostly at least slightly inebriated. I’m not advocating taking advantage of someone, but I think we can all honestly say that we’ve found it much easier to get into bed/an alleyway/the private study room of level six in the library (ahem) with someone when we’ve both/all had a few. This also has the added advantage of being quite subtle – your judgemental friends (who you should get rid of but that’s another story) probably won’t know your ulterior motive for being there and if no-one takes your fancy you still get a night out of it.
“That sounds great, Dexxx!” I hear you cry. “What could possibly go wrong?”
Well, things can and do – from the simple coyote ugly moment the following morning, to you leaving with someone who turns out to have different intentions from you. Bluntly put, if the police turn up at your friend’s door the next day and say “who did s/he leave with last night?” and their only response is “oh about five foot eight, brown hair…” it’s going to take a while to track you down.
So what’s your other option then? Thanks to technology, we now have a plethora of “dating” (read: sex) sites available to satisfy pretty much every need, from FetLife for those who like a bit or a lot of kink, to Cougar Date for women who like toyboys and would-be toyboys to find replacement mother figures for motives that it would be most psychoanalysts’ wet dream to try to discover. Apparently there are even apps for android phones, such as grindr that tell you how close other users are to you in metres, but I don’t have any experience with those. The advantages here are obvious; you know more or less what you’re getting assuming the person on the other end is honest on their profile, you get a bit of a chance to see what they’re all about beforehand, and as my friend KittyMama put so well, “I don’t need to get all dressed up and go out in the wind and the rain and horrible weather to go to a bar where there might be one attractive person who turns out to be too drunk, or not single, or a complete dick – I can sit on the couch, not having had a shower, and browse loads of profiles, and they all think I’m gorgeous”. Well said. This also has the added security advantage that if you’re going to their house for sex or they’re coming to yours (or you meet somewhere in the middle to go back to one place or the other to get it on), you’re presumably sensible enough to have left details (addresses, phone numbers, names) with a friend who you arrange a time to get in touch with to confirm this person hasn’t done away with you and so they can contact the police, if needs be, to come knock on his/her door and untie you. Magic.
The downside? Often times, people seem to be all flash and no substance on these pages – they look good in their photos, they have a profile that matches what you’re after, they talk the talk – but when it comes to actually meeting up, they lose the nerve and back out. This is frustrating, needless to say, and can make it all feel like a total waste of time. There’s also the risk that if your profile makes you very easily identifiable, people you might not want finding your “spankmehard88” or “bukkakeboy” profile (ooh, say your boss, mum’s new boyfriend, your significant other, etc.) may well find it which could have some pretty awkward social consequences.
Personally, I use both, and have to say that I have much more success in clubs and bars than I do with hi-tech means. I think I’ve only had sex with two or three people I met on-line for the purpose.
So there we have it, a few thoughts on one night stands. There’s no one way to go about them – I don’t think any two of my one-nighters have started in quite the same way – and ultimately it’s up to you what you want to go for. Hope “anonymous!” (and the rest of you!) find this helpful – and if you have any more requests or thoughts, leave me a comment and let me know!
[I’ll say at the start, this is a huge topic for me that I could probably go on about at length for a long time, so don’t be surprised if this becomes a few separate posts]
No, I’m not talking about bad food combining. As I said in an earlier post, I identify fairly openly as bisexual and more privately as polysexual; whichever way you dice it, I’m not a monosexual (in this post I’ll be using the word ‘bisexual’ to cover any sort of non-monosexuality, not because I think this is a good way to deal with it but because it’s the term most people are familiar with). This carries with it its own baggage which often isn’t directly addressed, certainly not in the “hetero” world but surprisingly to some, often not in the LGBT(QQA etc.) world either. I’m not really sure why this is; I think it’s assumed that in covering homophobia, biphobia is automatically covered as well, and if you’re in chameleon mode (i.e.: a bisexual person in an opposite-sex relationship) then you automatically have hetero privilege.
To an extent this might be true, especially in the case of homophobia coming from the straight community, but biphobia, especially within the LGBT(QQA etc) world has its own unique flavour, in my experience, which isn’t spoken about. It ranges from the subtle (“you people are just greedy/on the fence/desperate/don’t want to admit you’re just gay/lesbian” or even a simple “I don’t get it”) to the not so subtle (one bi friend of mine was recently told that “if you’re a girl and you’re dating a guy, you shouldn’t be allowed on the LGBT society committee”) to the downright offensive. Not that all of the above isn’t offensive. You know what I’m getting at.
I was having a coffee with my friend Tigger today – her boyfriend is bi – and she mentioned that her boyfriend had kissed one of her best male friends over the Christmas period, but that it didn’t bother her as much as it would if he had kissed one of her female friends. She recognises that this is illogical and a little bit hypocritical, which I suppose is a step in the right direction. But for me it highlights this sort of duality we have in our minds over sexuality; it is often viewed as binary even though it’s not, and non –binary sexuality (i.e. bisexuality) is actually much more integrated and accepted than non-binary gender. A female ex of mine used to tell me that because I was dating her, she thought of me as straight and that was it (and Tigger apparently thinks of her boyfriend in the same way, even though she knows he’s bi); and a male ex of mine used to refer to me as gay even though he knew full well I didn’t identify that way. It offends me when someone who should know better does stuff like that (it works both ways too – I’m just as offended if someone assumes I’m straight, though that rarely happens).
That said, in my own mind I’ve never been in a straight or a gay relationship. I’ve been in opposite-sex relationships and same-sex relationships, but that’s not the same thing; I never can be in a straight or a gay relationship because I’m neither straight nor gay, it’s as simple as that.
If you’re non-mono yourself or you’re intrigued by this topic, or are dating a bi person, you can do a lot worse than to read the book “The Bisexual’s Guide To The Universe”; it’s light-hearted but comprehensive look at bisexuality from many angles, written by a bisexual man and a bisexual woman, and there’s really something for everyone in there.
Poorly-structured rant over for now, but this is a topic I’ll be coming back to again, probably soon!